Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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