why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
