some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
