i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm getting married
To pizza
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
