A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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