if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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