I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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