I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
