I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize