I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
