PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
