I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
