best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
