i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
