We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
