I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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