Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize