Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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