haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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