my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
