I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
