It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
