Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
