we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
