my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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