They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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