please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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