Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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