haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
