he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
