I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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