obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
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