why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
