Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize
