I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
