My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
