I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
