i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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