Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I just had sex on a roof
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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