it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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