I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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