I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
