i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
