If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
