Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
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