There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize