Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
