apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
