Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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