Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
