At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
