Soap is not a condiment
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
