im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
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