don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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