apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
