Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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