My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
