We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
