Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
