i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
