You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
