you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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