You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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