My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
