awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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