so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
