i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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